There are days I feel as though I can take on the world, and then there are those where I feel as if my heart is broken beyond repair. This past year and a half has brought so much pain, from separation, to moving back home, to my best friend moving away, and unfortunately two violent deaths of close loved ones. I can't help but see how different my life is from the vision I always carried for myself. I have been trying to focus on the things I can control, such as returning to school, and trying with all of my might to give the things I cannot (infertility and my separation) to God. It is in my very nature to want to control all aspects of my life, and when I am unable to do so I am wrecked with anxiety. The idea of not being a mother right now can sometimes quite easily be pushed from my mind as I focus on busying my self with every day tasks, however lately I am being bombarded once again with the incessant 'We're expecting!" "It's a girl!" or "It's a boy!" posts. As focused on other things as I try to force myself to be, it doesn't stop my heart from hurting when as I am reaching the big 3-0 in a few short months, and I am still here with empty arms. I am thankful however that the bitterness that plagued me for so long has finally lifted. I am finally able to be truly happy for my friends on these amazing miracles. I just can't help but wishing it was me that was blessed. I know that God has bigger plans for me than I have for myself, so I will continue to lean on him and hope and pray that one day this pain will be gone.
As always, thanks for reading!
Jaylee
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