Loneliness and Self Discovery (& Life Update)

Loneliness is the Foundation for True Self Discovery

I have been quite focused the last few weeks on my journey of self discovery. It is interesting to find that when you go through a major life change, that you often discover how much you have lost yourself over the years. I began to notice over the last year and a half (hard to believe I've been separated that long), that I had become this shadow of myself, this constantly anxious, insecure, mess. I rarely went anywhere, especially not alone, and I had unknowingly all but isolated myself from most of the people in my life. The few people I kept in touch with, I would cling to with everything I have out of fear that they would walk away, and leave me truly alone. I would spend my days working, and my nights lost in this abyss of self pity. I was making myself more anxious the more I stayed home and locked myself away. My best friend moved away a few months ago, and it wasn't until then that I had realized how secluded I had made myself. Aside from her, I rarely spent time with anyone else except for family. Even though I spent so much time alone, I realized that I really didn't like myself. When she left, I surrounded myself with shallow entertainment, and hours of mindless Netflix binges to try and keep this increasingly suffocating feeling of loneliness at bay. How could I expect to connect with anyone, even on the most basic human level, if I was this shadow of my real self. I was lonely, but I wasn't doing anything to try and change that feeling, until recently... I realized that while I had distanced myself from most of my friends, I had this amazing opportunity in front of me. This time that I had been given to really dig deep into my heart and find the girl that had been lost for so long. I began taking small trips alone, going to places like target or the grocery store, getting dinner and eating in my car while listening to music and people watching, finding peace in those quiet moments where it was just me and my thoughts. I've been spending a lot more time outside the confines of my bedroom, and although I do find myself lonely, I am much happier with how I feel about myself now. I've been enjoying this solitude and rediscovering my passions and goals for myself. I was sitting in my room one night and decided on a whim to begin applying for a MSW program (this has been my dream since I began my Bachelors in psych) at Cal Baptist, much to my surprise after a short interview process and a great deal of paperwork, I was accepted. This simple piece of paper has brought me so much joy, and reinstated this idea that I am was created in God's image, and thankfully for all of us, He does not make mistakes. I am learning more about myself every day, and continually find peace in the quiet moments of being alone.

      This has been a very exciting few weeks for me as received my acceptance into the Masters of Social Work program at California Baptist University for this fall. It wasn't until I took some time to myself that I really let myself rediscover my dreams and allow this to happen. I am also continuing to work as a behavioral technician for autistic children, and I am at my one year anniversary with this company. This job has been an incredible blessing, and I learn something new every day from these amazing kiddos and their families. My personal life is still a question mark, no I am not divorced yet, God is working in his own timing as far as that relationship goes. We will have to wait and see how that story plays out, but for now, I am okay learning more about myself, this girl that has been little more than a memory for so many years.

Thank you all for reading, as well as your continued prayers and support  

Jaylee