To those that have passed away,

Infertility is painful for many reasons, but a huge reason it has effected me so deeply is because of the people who will never meet our precious child(whenever he or she eventually comes to us). Some who passed before my husband and I ever met, and some during the years we started trying.

To those that died before my husband and I ever met there are so many things I wish I could tell you all. To my father in law, I wish not only that you could have the opportunity to meet me and your grandchildren, but that you could see the man your son has become. He is so strong, courageous, sweet, and caring. He is a wonderful husband and will be an even more amazing father. He thinks of you often, and I know he wishes you could see his future children and be apart of their lives. I wish you could play with them, and teach them, and watch them grow. I know you will be watching from heaven, I just pray that is enough. To my birthmother, though I knew little more than your name while I grew up, I had a picture in my head of what life with you would be like. Now that I know a bit more, I know the fantasy would not have lived up to reality, but I'm okay with that. I had a wonderful childhood with an amazing family, my regret though is that you will never know me. You'll never see me as a mother, you will never be there for me to ask "Is this normal?" "Did you go through this with me?" "Am I doing this right?" when I do become a mother. I know my adoptive, no, my real mother, will be an amazing grandmother, but I still have to wonder what experiences we would've shared. I know the situation between you and my birth father was less than ideal. I know the right choice was made for my brother and I, but it still hurts to know we will never meet you.  To my grandfathers, I wish you were both here, I wish my children could see the joy you both brought to the world. And finally, my dear sweet Amanda. You were only in my life for a brief few months, but you showed me so much about the world both good and bad. I am thankful for the ability to call you my friend even nine years after we lost you way too soon. I miss you all the time, and I wish our friendship could've endured to this point. I wish we had been able be in each others weddings, and to have "play dates, but instead I've lived for both of us. I hope you will continue to watch over me, and next time you have God's ear send me a little one :)

If I had gotten pregnant within the normal time range, my birth father and paternal grandmother would have gotten the opportunity to meet our child, maybe he would've chosen not too as he never seemed to care to meet me, but I know she would've loved being a great grandmother to my children! To Wayne, my birth father, I had never in a million years thought that I would ever find you as my birth mother had provided little information in regards to who you were, so when I did I was over the moon to learn that you were alive. However, the only conversation you and I ever shared was when I asked if you knew who I was and you responded with "vaguely". I wish I could share how much that hurt me, but I never got the chance. You just recently passed away as well taking all of the secrets surrounding the adoptions of my brother and I to your grave with you.  I wish I could say all is forgiven, but I don't know that it is. I'm hurt by the circumstances surrounding my birth, and it really is true sometimes you are better off not knowing. I've seen people commenting on how wonderful of a father you were to my half sister, what a great grandfather you were to her son, and I wish I could've seen that side of you, but I didn't. Instead I harbor resentment, and anger, confusion and pain, at the "father" who "vaguely" knew me. I am thankful that my real Dad, showed me what a real father is, and he will always be my Daddy. To my sweet, beautiful Grandma Wells, I wish I saw how precious time was while you were still around. I am so thankful that you had the opportunity to meet Jeff, but since we were only 5 hours away from you I wish we would've tried a little harder to spend more time together. I wish you could see your great grandchildren, see how I am with them, see how Daddy is with them, see Jeff as a father. I know you are so proud of us, and we both miss you! Thank you for everything you taught me, and for all of the prayers you prayed for me and all of your grandkids.
While I don't understand why you were all taken from me, I know that I have angels looking over me, and that my dream of motherhood will come true.