A Childless Mother's day

You know something is painful when you cannot even find the words to describe the dull heartache that never seems to go away. I have sat at my computer for several minutes staring at a blank page, with no words forming that adequately describe the agony this day brings to those with empty arms. At this point in my life, I am sorry to admit, I am a slave to jealousy and anger. I have days where I can be supportive and be a voice for infertility; then there are days when just like everyone else, I fall apart and cannot seem to find the light in any situation. I know God will never give me more than I can handle, but I feel like He is testing my limits and they are about to crumble. I am in bondage to infertility, it is all I can think about, and the rest of my life is suffering because of it. I have lost friends(more like pushed them out of my life) and that is probably the hardest part, though I cannot let go of the hurt long enough to even try to be a friend when they are overjoyed with their new arrival. The joy I used to feel when I would work with kids was incredible, yet now I feel a sucking void of misery and pain every time I go to work. Days like today, Childless Awareness Day (No different than Valentines Day being Singles Awareness Day) is a painful reminder of the journey I began three years ago and the lack of results I have seen since that point. Each and every hand made card or breakfast in bed post is like a knife cutting deeper and deeper, so I decided to turn off Facebook for the day, unfortunately that only dulls the pain. This is not an encouraging post, this is a post to let you all know, I understand, I feel the pain too and you are not alone. So today when everyone is celebrating motherhood, Grieve-cry, scream, get angry, just do not hold it in. Let yourself mourn. Today I am thankful for my two special dogs who give me a small sense of the love I would have for a child, without whom this day would be unbearable.
Praying for you all,
                                 Jaylee