Yesterday a close friend of mine announced she and her fiancé were expecting. Jeff and I were eating dinner and I felt this rush of agony-pure agony- come over me. I could literally feel my heart shattering into a million pieces. I can't even describe the level of pain and anger that flooded me and is still there on some level even as I type this hours later. As hard as I tried I could not keep the tears from pooling in my eyes, no matter how much I tried to hide it from Jeff as soon as he saw it I could see the hurt in his heart too. Not saying on any level that I'm not happy for this friend, she's a beautiful soul inside and out, HOWEVER when someone who wasn't even "trying" gets what I've been trying, praying for, stressing over, charting over, drugging myself over, gets pregnant I cannot for whatever reason just "be happy for them and let it go". I have to constantly question why. Why am I not good enough? Why should I be forced to adopt when I myself am adopted? Why should I never know what it's like to have a real family, blood and all from birth? I don't understand why God makes it so easy for some and so tremendously hard for others. What did I do wrong? I know others have tried to help, but by saying you've been trying a few months or even a year, thats is NORMAL. We've been trying for two and a half years with no result, including charting and medication. Some days it doesn't seem to bother me, but others I feel as though I will never have the one thing in this world I have wanted more than anything else. I know life isn't fair, but is life really supposed to be this painful? Part of me feels like walking away from social media altogether as it just seems too much to bare, but how will I keep in touch with family and friends on the other side of the country? Hopefully one day this will all be worth it, until then don't take it personally if I keep to myself for a little while.
Until Next time...
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