The Bitterness of Infertility

Hello everyone,
I know it has been far too long since I have blogged, but school has sort of taken over my life. So I have finally found time to blog about something that has been nagging at me for months... Bitterness.

So here it is, my total naked truth...
Infertility has turned me into someone I don't even recognize, it has changed me into this bitter, hateful, angry, depressed person that I don't like, nor would I want to be around myself if I had the choice. A single baby announcement on Facebook and my body just oozes anger, jealousy, and resentment. The thoughts that have crossed my mind about my pregnant friends and acquaintances are so dark sometimes that I feel like I have lost myself completely. Have I really become that heartless? I cannot even look at some of my closest friends's pages out of fear of being stabbed in the heart by some "I hate being pregnant" post. The bubbly optimistic girl is long gone and in her shadow is this heartless mess of hate. How did I let myself become this person? Did I really let myself become a slave to my disease? I pity my husband and the few friends I keep around because there are some days where I just cannot find it in me to fake my happiness anymore, that is just exhausting! If this is one trying to become a mother is doing to me, is it time to stop? I have let this journey consume me. I am a green-eyed monster, the shell of a once compassionate person. How did I get here?
   

     I have lost sight of my Light... my Jesus! Only He can carry me through this darkness, only HE can heal my broken heart and even more broken body.  Only my Jesus can take away this jealousy and anger, and replace it with love and compassion. I have learned that I cannot endure this devastation on my own. So here I am, at my lowest, begging for forgiveness and peace, from my Jesus, from my friends... from everyone. And for those that know this feeling all to well, I am praying for you as well.
Until Next Time...