Everything happens for reasons she will never understand...

Shit happens... things don't go your way, life isn't fair. I get it. However, this, this punishment, is something I will never ever understand. What did I do to deserve this? What horrible thing has brought this karma on me? How can such an incredible blessing be bestowed on someone so undeserving? It is too close to home, it is not something an "unfollow" button can fix, deleting social media has no impact, my entire world will change and I cannot escape it. It is suffocating. I am stuck in my own personal hell, while she gets to live my dream, a dream she never wanted. Everyone can say "Just focus on yourself", "When God decides its time you'll get your blessing". These comments  they fall on deaf ears, this advice is meaningless when it comes from a mouth of someone who has never struggled to have a child. I cannot escape this black hole of anger, jealousy, bitterness, and excruciating pain, I honestly fear it will consume me. My only salvation is to remove myself from my family as quickly as humanly possible, and hope that I survive long enough to make that a reality.

Staying Strong when Your Heart has had Enough...

There are days I feel as though I can take on the world, and then there are those where I feel as if my heart is broken beyond repair. This past year and a half has brought so much pain, from separation, to moving back home, to my best friend moving away, and unfortunately two violent deaths of close loved ones. I can't help but see how different my life is from the vision I always carried for myself.  I have been trying to focus on the things I can control,  such as returning to school, and trying with all of my might to give the things I cannot (infertility and my separation) to God. It is in my very nature to want to control all aspects of my life, and when I am unable to do so I am wrecked with anxiety. The idea of not being a mother right now can sometimes quite easily be pushed from my mind as I focus on busying my self with every day tasks, however lately I am being bombarded once again with the incessant 'We're expecting!" "It's a girl!" or "It's a boy!" posts. As focused on other things as I try to force myself to be, it doesn't stop my heart from hurting when as I am reaching the big 3-0 in a few short months, and I am still here with empty arms. I am thankful however that the bitterness that plagued me for so long has finally lifted. I am finally able to be truly happy for my friends on these amazing miracles. I just can't help but wishing it was me that was blessed. I know that God has bigger plans for me than I have for myself, so I will continue to lean on him and hope and pray that one day this pain will be gone.

As always, thanks for reading!
Jaylee

Loneliness and Self Discovery (& Life Update)

Loneliness is the Foundation for True Self Discovery

I have been quite focused the last few weeks on my journey of self discovery. It is interesting to find that when you go through a major life change, that you often discover how much you have lost yourself over the years. I began to notice over the last year and a half (hard to believe I've been separated that long), that I had become this shadow of myself, this constantly anxious, insecure, mess. I rarely went anywhere, especially not alone, and I had unknowingly all but isolated myself from most of the people in my life. The few people I kept in touch with, I would cling to with everything I have out of fear that they would walk away, and leave me truly alone. I would spend my days working, and my nights lost in this abyss of self pity. I was making myself more anxious the more I stayed home and locked myself away. My best friend moved away a few months ago, and it wasn't until then that I had realized how secluded I had made myself. Aside from her, I rarely spent time with anyone else except for family. Even though I spent so much time alone, I realized that I really didn't like myself. When she left, I surrounded myself with shallow entertainment, and hours of mindless Netflix binges to try and keep this increasingly suffocating feeling of loneliness at bay. How could I expect to connect with anyone, even on the most basic human level, if I was this shadow of my real self. I was lonely, but I wasn't doing anything to try and change that feeling, until recently... I realized that while I had distanced myself from most of my friends, I had this amazing opportunity in front of me. This time that I had been given to really dig deep into my heart and find the girl that had been lost for so long. I began taking small trips alone, going to places like target or the grocery store, getting dinner and eating in my car while listening to music and people watching, finding peace in those quiet moments where it was just me and my thoughts. I've been spending a lot more time outside the confines of my bedroom, and although I do find myself lonely, I am much happier with how I feel about myself now. I've been enjoying this solitude and rediscovering my passions and goals for myself. I was sitting in my room one night and decided on a whim to begin applying for a MSW program (this has been my dream since I began my Bachelors in psych) at Cal Baptist, much to my surprise after a short interview process and a great deal of paperwork, I was accepted. This simple piece of paper has brought me so much joy, and reinstated this idea that I am was created in God's image, and thankfully for all of us, He does not make mistakes. I am learning more about myself every day, and continually find peace in the quiet moments of being alone.

      This has been a very exciting few weeks for me as received my acceptance into the Masters of Social Work program at California Baptist University for this fall. It wasn't until I took some time to myself that I really let myself rediscover my dreams and allow this to happen. I am also continuing to work as a behavioral technician for autistic children, and I am at my one year anniversary with this company. This job has been an incredible blessing, and I learn something new every day from these amazing kiddos and their families. My personal life is still a question mark, no I am not divorced yet, God is working in his own timing as far as that relationship goes. We will have to wait and see how that story plays out, but for now, I am okay learning more about myself, this girl that has been little more than a memory for so many years.

Thank you all for reading, as well as your continued prayers and support  

Jaylee

A New Name and A Fresh Start

It has been quite a while since I have had it in me to even look at this blog, let alone attempt to post about the chaos that goes on inside my head. As I sat and pondered whether to continue to ignore the blog, or attempt to reinvent it, I had to come to the conclusion that I was ready to move past my infertility as well as my failed marriage, but even more so the pain I have secretly dealt with for years. For so long I allowed my infertility to completely shape who I was in every aspect. I failed to see myself beneath my infertility, beneath my inability, and I shaped my importance as a woman based on this single issue. It wasn't until recently, and some time with an amazing therapist, that I began to understand that my distorted view of myself went far deeper than my inability to get pregnant. It is something I have been subtly struggling with for as long as I could think back.

Before we dig too far into this newfound epiphany, it is important that a piece of my past is understood in order for the future sentences to have any understanding. I was adopted at birth, which pretty much every single person who has ever come in contact with me knows, but the important piece to the puzzle lies in an particular statement that I would repeat subliminally to myself  every time someone walked away or disappeared from my life for one reason or the next. "If your biological mother could walk away from you and never come back, why would anyone else stay".  It is what caused extreme separation anxiety in me, from the time I was a toddler, especially when it came to my mom (adopted mom/the only real mom that matters to me) leaving for whatever reason (even just a date night with my dad). It is what about destroyed my marriage the first time I dared to leave home and venture 3,000 miles away to Virginia. It is what has destroyed countless friendships over the years. I have a level of insecurity buried so far beneath the surface that I wasn't aware of it until recently when my therapist began to put the pieces together. When I become emotionally invested in something, especially my marriage and friendships, I become so afraid that the person will walk away that I suffocate them. It is not an irrational fear to me, I've been left, but the one person you would think would never walk away from you... a mother. It is even worse for me, because I have lost my best friend, and two former boyfriends in the worse possible way... them dying with no hope for me to make things right. I pushed my husband away every time we saw another negative pregnancy test, every time he needed space to deal with his own emotions I was suffocating him with my pain, every time he wanted a boys night or  time to see his family, I became so overwhelmed with fear and anxiety that I made every day away from me hell for him.  I had never understood that if someone walked away it was because God decided my life needed to go in a different way, and it was not always because of something I did. My worth is not based on who stuck around and who didn't.

My worth is in me, it is in how I view myself, not how others view me, not because my mother abandoned me (my adoption was abandonment). My worth is in my intelligence, my worth is in the things that I have accomplished like my Bachelor's degree, my worth is in every time one of my kids at work finally grasps a difficult concept that I have poured my heart and soul into teaching them, my worth is in God and that I am first and foremost HIS daughter and I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and my confidence needs to come from that more than anything this world can provide for me.

If you are still reading this, thank you. I know this was a lot of personal information, but it was time for me to finally come to terms with my problems, and find healing and peace.

Jaylee

Finding Peace during a divorce...

This blog has focused so much on my struggles with infertility over the past four years, that it is almost surreal to me that my next blog focuses on divorce. I am not even sure where to begin, or how I found myself in this position after 5 years of a seemingly picture perfect on the outside kind of marriage, but here I am. When the decision came in January, I'll be honest that it took everything in me to walk away and I have gone back and forth on my decision many times, but what led me here or what circumstances happened in my marriage are not the reason for this post.

Instead, this post is more of a self reflection for me, a "what to do now that the dreams I believed I had for myself... dreams of motherhood, a happy marriage, and a family... are coming to an end for now" sort of post. It is so hard for me to even begin to think about what to do next or how I am supposed to let go of everything I had fought so hard for in the past few years, but I know it is what is meant to be. So how do you find peace when you are watching your life crumble? Do you ball your eyes out? Do you rethink your decision and cling to the familiar? Do you wallow in self pity? While these have certainly all happened to me over the past six months, there is a way to keep the faith so to speak. Instead of these options, which are bound to make life twice as difficult, the one thing I have found that have given me a sense of peace is to allow yourself to focus on the few good things you have going for you with everything you have. For me, I am graduating in a few weeks with my Bachelor's degree in Psychology. I have something going for me, I have options for my future. I am now walking down a path I did not originally plan for my life, but apparently God had other ideas in store for how he wanted things to happen. I am trying to focus on finding my independence and figuring out who I am. I know I am not the same girl I was before I got married, and certainly not the same girl I was during my marriage, so who am I now? I am someone who has been crushed and heartbroken, but I am someone who has known love and for that I will be forever grateful for that experience regardless of the pain and the way it ended. So I may not have all of the answers to why this happened or what I will do next, but as long as I have faith in God and myself I think I'll be okay.

 Jaylee

You Are Not Alone: United in Understanding

The Ugly Truth

One in eight couples struggle with infertility, yet talking about it is taboo to say the least. While infertility happens for any number of reasons, there are two commonalities in each of these couples. One is the desire above all else to become parents and two is the desire for someone to finally understand. For most couples, admitting that something is preventing you from starting a family is shameful and embarrassing. Instead we brush off the never ending "So when are you two starting a family" questions with as much grace and dignity as we can muster, all the while secretly wanting to crawl in a hole. This is just one of those things that isn't talked about, leaving those struggling in silence with no where to turn and no shoulder to cry on.

What Is Infertility And How Can I live With It?

Infertility is described as trying to conceive for more than 12 months (or 6 months for women over the age of 35). This can include: no pregnancy at all, miscarriages, or stillborns. Upon this time frame most women seek the aid of a specialist, also known as a reproductive endocrinologist. Diagnosis from this type of appointment can range from PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), endometriosis, male infertility, unknown infertility, etc. Of course despite any diagnosis there are many ways of going about starting a family: fertility drugs, IVF, IUI, surrogacy, adoption, and fostering are just a few of the multitude of tools available to those with infertility.  

My Journey

For a while, mostly in the beginning of my journey, I didn't want to admit to anyone that there was something preventing me from getting pregnant and I think this had a lot to do with feeling isolated like I was some sort of freak. Mommy friends were constantly making comments, innocent comments in their eyes, about the ease in which they conceived their precious babies, all the while I was staring at yet another negative pregnancy test. I was afraid, I was overwhelmed, and I was alone... or so I thought. My husband and I had no one to talk to, no one who truly understood what infertility did to someone on a daily basis. When I got my diagnosis, of PCOS, things seem to be that much harder. No one understood why I was hurting all of the time, over the simplest of things maybe it was a newborn birth announcement, or a baby shower invitation, all seemingly ordinary parts of growing up. Yet I found myself, more often than not, lashing out at friends and family for sharing their joy while I harbored my bitterness. I had come to the conclusion that people were selfish, and that I was alone in this painful scenario. When I finally mustered up the courage to confront my inner demons and actually reach out for help by starting an infertility blog, I was overwhelmed with the sheer magnitude of other people dealing with the same struggle I was, who were ready to listen and offer advice without judgement. I found support groups, new friends, other people who were desperate to find someone they could relate to, but more than anything I found acceptance.

YOU Are Not Alone 

When it comes to infertility, there is no place for judgement or ridicule, there is only room for hope and support. The negative stigma surrounding infertility needs to be gone. It is no one's fault that infertility happens therefore there should be no guilt forced on those who are already suffering so deeply. I wish, upon every last star in the sky, in every wishing well, on every ounce of dandelion dust, that no couple is forced to feel the sting of loneliness and shame when facing infertility.  A bound formed during a struggle like infertility is not easily broken. There are others out there who know exactly what infertility feels like, others who have been the one crying in the bathroom at a baby shower, others who broke down during the diaper commercials, others who just get it. When you are ready, reach out and I promise you will be met with open arms and genuine support. We are strong, we are brave, and we are UNITED. 

I will continue to pray for awareness, and for those still suffering in silence to find the support they need. No one should face this journey alone! 

 Jaylee

To Learn More About Infertility: 

http://www.resolve.org/about-infertility/what-is-infertility/  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About National Infertility Awareness Week)                                        

Embarking on a new adventure!

As many of you know my husband was recently stationed back in San Diego, CA, and as we said goodbye to our lives in Virginia Beach I was able to take some much needed time away from trying to conceive. This period of adjustment has been so wonderful, not only for myself- being back home near family and friends, but also for our marriage as we have a stronger support base and a better outlook on life. We have so many new adventures planned for our time here in California, and in the next few months we will be once again trying to start a family of our own. Now as of right now there isn't much to update on aside from finding a fantastic fertility clinic near our home that accepts our insurance and has an amazing reputation for success in conquering infertility. So over the next few weeks as we house hunt, job hunt, spend time with family, and save up money we will be refocusing and re-centering ourselves so that we can take on this challenging battle with grace, dignity, and thankfully the Lord's mercy and love. We know that God's hand is over us every day and through every hardship this journey has presented us with, and we are so thankful that he has blessed us with the opportunity to be back with family.

We thank you all for your support during these last few years, and for those that continue to lift us up in prayer! We love you all!!

The Trumbo Family